Last week, Emi, Charlotte and I met Brian for a lunch date(at the drive-thru...and yes, eating out is the only outing we've been doing for three weeks...and no, the baby weight is not "falling" off like I would like.) Anyway, as we are taking Brian back to his office, Emi says
"Mommies office is far away."
"Yes," I reply. "Far away and very messy. Lots of laundry stacking up there."
"Let's go to your office Mom."
"We're on our way, just gotta drop off Dad."
"Let's go to your office and see how big Charlotte is getting."
That's right. We have been to the OB's so much that Emi thinks that is my "office." And every time we go there, we tell her that we are going to see how big Charlotte is getting. Now we are done, and she's not the only one who feels like this big part of what had become our "normal" life is missing. I miss it too. I don't know if I had just developed such a relationship with our doctors, or if the whole time I was pregnant it was so surreal, that I never really understood it. In any case, we sort of miss it. The routine of it all. Throughout this whole 14 months, we have been
shown this amazing love and now we are
giving it to a little girl who will grow up seeing one of her big brothers only in pictures. That's sad. Harrison's a great big brother in Heaven, but it would have been amazing to have all four children here on earth.
As I look at Charlotte so many BIG questions pop in my mind; questions of faith, questions that I do not have the knowledge to answer, just to ask. I wonder about God's knowledge. How much does He know? It's a question that has followed me around since Charlotte has been born. I know God knows all, but how much is that? I look into my fourth child’s eyes and I wonder what will become of her life and how much of that God already knows. I question whether our lives are set from the moment we are conceived or if free will leaves us with so many actual choices.
Adam and Eve for instance, did God know when He created Eve that she would meet that snake. Did He know that I would carry Harrison nine months and then I would never see his eyes, never hear his cry? Does He know? Did He know?
Had my life built up for this? What about Jesus? Did God know that when He sent His son, He would have to pay for all our sins? Or if Judas had just been quiet would everything been different? Did God know that or did we, as humans, choose with our free will?
"By faith, we see the world called into existence by God's word, what we see created by what we don't see." Hebrews 11 The Message
I have strong faith. Faith that doesn't question God's decisions...I don't ask why questions. I am asking "Did He?" questions. I know
God can do anything. He could have saved Harrison, He did bless us with 4 children. I want to know how much did He/does He know about our lives.
One of my OBs said that someday we will know...somedays, that seems too far away.
Love,
Jenn
then bell ringing...
followed by a princess visit...
then a trip to Nana and Papo's...
and kitty chores...
which Emi loves...
now to feed the fishies...
then to the Lutt Christmas...
where Charlotte was loved up by her Nana!
