Here's a little picture...

Just thought I would share the latest picture of our littlest girl. She is currently weighing in at approximately 1 lb!

Love,
Jenn

More difficult then I could have imagined.

I am in a difficult place right now. A place that I am left, most of the time, feeling discouraged and way too overwhelmed. I have never been at this place before...and there aren't too many that I know who have been here before me. I am pregnant, but I am not innocent. There was no definitive reason for Harrison's death. He was so perfect. So when Gavyn asks me "Will this baby sister live here on earth?" I am unsure of what that answer is. I have to tell him the truth...only God knows, but we are all praying that she will. He asks if it is a pattern two babies here on earth and then two babies born into heaven...I say, I hope not and that there is no reason to think that would happen. He is not scared or frightened...death is none of those things to him. In the last eight months, he has lost his brother, his cat and his great-grandma, and so have I. My faith is not as trusting as his though, which is excruciating. Faith has always been my strong point. Lately, it is my struggle.

In this last year, death has been too present. Life has been too short. Sometimes it feels okay that life is short, because I really want to see Harrison and I comfort myself knowing that this life is short...eternity will be exactly that...forever with Harrison. Other times, I just want Gavyn and Emi to stay this young and I want to enjoy every little moment, because I know this will not last. At other times, I feel overwhelmed by their needs and the needs of my family, because I just want to curl up in a ball and pray fervently that this baby growing in my tummy will live. But then someone needs a glass of milk, or the Star Wars legos won't fit together right and I am snapped back into reality.

The reality is I have four children. Whether they are here on earth or in heaven, they are a lot of responsibility. Although I love each of them, it can be a lot, especially when you know the truth is that only God knows...and I really want to know, it feels like I need to know. Which is why I have a doppler by my bedside, at my disposal any time. It is also why I no longer apologize when I call the doctors' office whenever something doesn't feel right, I am needy and I acknowledge that. So when I pray to God for direct desires and I don't thank Him for all the beauty I am already surrounded by, I no longer have guilt on that either. Although I try to be more grateful, He knows me inside and out. He knows my desires and my blessings without me actually having to say them.



I want to be able to buy things pink, without wondering if she will ever get to wear them, I want to be excited about this baby, but most of the time, it is too hard. I just buried my baby and I still long to hear him cry. I weep at the thought I will only see his sweet face in pictures. It is so sad knowing that the other pictures will be changed out, but Harrison's sweet little face will never grow up, at least not here on earth. The thought of doing all this again is unbelievably hard. Yet, here I am. I will be the Lord's servant, even when it seems too much.

Now if we are children , then we are heirs-heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if we indeed share in his sufferings in order that we may share in his glory. Romans 8:17

His glory is worth it!

Love,

Jenn

Nanny

November 26, 19__, my world changed with the birth of Hazelle Louella Tackles, who was later to become my grandma. (although I never called her that...it was always "Nanny") She was an amazing woman and a pioneer in her time. She grew with a little petite mom whom she could topple over with her 10 month weight at 24 pounds! She quickly outgrew her round stature and was always very slender. After she married my "Namps" on Sept 21, 19__ (I know the dates, but she would never want me to reveal how old she was!) she had to, in a very short time, learn how to support herself, while he went away to fight in WWII. She moved and took up work in the factories in New Jersey, I believe. (I am having difficulty finding my journal with all this info in it...) My "Namps" returned from the war, injured and she would make the trips to the hospital visiting him every day. I keep picturing her in this stylish suit and hat, walking up those brick steps to a hospital to see the man who adoringly refered to her as "sweetheart" or "darling."


After he got better, they would really settle in to a life of their own and go on to have two daughters, Stephanie and Marcheta (my mom).

My "Nanny" owned her own beauty shop "Talk of the Town" and I grew up pretending to style hair, playing under the blow dryer and selling beauty products. On Monday's the shop would be closed and my mom, sister and I would regularly go shopping (much to my sister's regret!) On Wednesday's, we would go back over to the shop (which was located in the basement of their house) and my mom would have her hair combed out. Karie and I would sip tea in plastic cup holders with disposable inserts until we got a little jittery from all the sugar cubes we added to our tea. We also were allowed to go upstairs and split a can of pop. When five o'clock hit, Namps would come in from his shop and we would watch The Andy Griffith Show.

Later, my Nanny and Namps would move to Florida and we would visit them there every six months. We always had an amazing time and my memories are so vivid, you would swear it was just yesterday.

After my Namps' death she moved back to Nebraska to spend more time with us. She was there the day Brian and I purchased this house. She laughed at us as "we" purchased a house Brian had never seen...she helped take care of Gavyn while I packed and later she packed while I took care of Gavyn. She was there for birthday parties, purse parties, and most recently, preschool graduation parties.

Then a week ago, she went to bed. She put her hands in a praying postion under her face, like she always did, and she went to sleep. She never woke up. She was never sick, she would never complain, she was this astonishing lady. Always.

Right now, she is holding her great grandson, whom she never held on this earth, and she is in love. So is Harrison.


I love you Nanny. You are where you belong, with God, Namps and sweet Harrison. Squeeze Harrison real tight for me!

Love,

Jenn