Harrison's 2nd birthday

I have to tell you that by the time my head hit the pillow yesterday, I was so exhausted...mentally. it was one of those moments days, where there were so many thoughts and feelings rolling through my mind that I was energized...until I sat down. Here's why...I am so privileged to be one of the parent volunteers for our women's hospital in the perinatal loss department. (Okay, I don't know that's what they call it, a department and all...let's just say it's an amazing ministry of caring people.) Quite frankly, people that love babies, breathing or not are fairly high on my list of people I want to be around. Anyway, I went to our meeting yesterday, at the new hospital (lovely, by the way). Sat through the meeting, my favorite kind (one where things get decided), gave my input on parent perspectives (where I felt valued) then had a tour (lovely, almost made me want another...almost.) However, my tour was one where I had to walk through what it would be like to give birth, again, to a child that did not, would not live on this earth and at the end of the tour, it happened...a white rose on a door, a baby wrapped up, not moving...parents whose hearts were broken. The hurt will never go away, the emotions of losing a child are sitting at the top of my throat. The hole seemed to open, the clouds were sitting on the horizon...waiting for my tears to thunder. Then I felt His hand, guiding me, knowing that Harrison was with a purpose. So I swallowed, said a prayer and told the nurse that if and when the family wanted to talk I was there. I will be here. The Lord is good, I know He is there in the pain, wiping my tears.

I have known for a long time that I could not have made it through the days or weeks to follow with out the voices of other moms that had gone before me. The voices that I became to know through blogs and books (and with you Kim). So in honor of Harrison's second birthday, we are having a party, a fundraising party to help supply the books that I have loved. Here's the invite.

Harrison's 2nd birthday
 
I am listing the books, with links, below. I have received several emails from people interested in purchasing a book.
Here are some options:
1) You can purchase the books directly, either through the link or elsewhere,
2) You can donate a dollar amount and we will apply that to book sales,
3) You can buy any Mary Kay item from today until Harrison's actual birthday and 100% of the profits will go towards the purchase of books.
4) You can come on over and celebrate with us on the 9th of September. Donate or don't, just celebrate the 37 weeks I held him and the 5 hours we all met him face to face.

We Were Going to Have a Baby, but We had an Angel Instead
Life Touches Life
Tear Soup
Empty Cradle, Broken Heart

* Please send any books or money you wish to donate to my home, this will make the donation so much easier. Need my address? Send me an email @ thehofffamily@msn.com
Love,
Jenn

Ps. For those of you wondering why the 9th and not Harrison's actual birthday, Brian and I are participating in a grief training workshop for health professionals. Please keep us in your prayers as we prepare to share our story.

Clear skies.

Over the last 22 months, I felt like my emotions were like the weather; rainy, snowin' like a blizzard, a few cloudy with a chance of sun...you get the idea, but lately, it feels like this enormous "fog" has been lifting and I can see a little clearer. I want to confess to you, at first what I was seeing wasn't pretty...it was, well, downright yuck in the muck (as Emi would say!) During this time, I have concentrated on living and making sure my kids on earth were taken care of. I just wanted to be a mom to all of them and a wife to my sweet husband. I could have cared less if the bills were paid, or the house was organized, or if I even knew what food was in the house(and don't get me started on the laundry...). I lived one moment to the next. (Which does not take these things into mind!) So when this "fog" began to clear...I was downright ticked.

Thankfully, God kept a hold of my hand and walked me out of that junkyard! He reminded me that a little scripture in the morning gives me fuel for a pleasant mind. ( A diet soda helps too!)So, I crawled out of the junk and grabbed a pitch fork and have been straightening the piles out. It stinks, occassionally, but I will just hold my nose and do what needs to be done. And it feels good. Freeing. Like clear skies are on the horizon and just might stay. Sure, I know there will be rain clouds occassionally, but I also know the sky will clear and the sun will return. He promises me that.

I think it is normal to feel foggy after having the world collapse on you. I think that no one can tell you this, or prepare you for what to say or do, or feel. Sometimes you just have to be. Then after you are, you learn again...and no matter how painful it feels, life goes on. The difference for me is that life goes on with a new sense of with Harrison, rather than without. I see him all the time. He is in the smiles of his siblings; in the chub of his little sister, Charlotte; in the wisdom of his big brother, Gavyn; and the uncontrollable laughter of his big sister, Emilia. It's just a different way of seeing him than I had planned. Although I would have never choosen this sight, I have had to learn to be okay with it.

We went home to my folks this weekend, and as we all got out at the county fair, a balloon was floating up to the heavens and I saw him there. Clear skies with a balloon of hope.

Love,
Jenn