55+

I know this may be a strange sign to post, but there is a reason. This is my prayer request for tomorrow. Charlotte needs to score 55 or above on her aminio in order to be induced. I feel like we've been traveling on this long desert highway for a long time now, so scoring 55+ would be wonderful.

God willing, the plan is to have an aminio at 10 am tomorrow and as soon as we score 55+, we will be moved upstairs to be induced. I spoke with an amazing nurse today and she reassures us we will have the best of care. We will continuely be updating the blog to let you know how things are going. I truely can't quite grasp what our day will be like. (Okay, I haven't even packed yet...) I know that you all will be praying for us and that is the most beautiful thing. We have all had a pretty emotional week and really long to hear Charlotte's cry.

Love ya,
Jenn

Miss Charlotte in 4D

This is actually from last week. She's already smiling!

The rest where taken yesterday.

Can you see her tongue?

So tired!

Love,

Jenn

Did you just read that ticker? 8 days...I haven't decided if this is short or long. I don't think I really "get it." It's been one of those weeks where it is rather busy, but the time ticks away too. Monday, I went in for my regular OB appt and Miss Charlotte decided to sleep through her non stress test. Let me explain...she slept, refusing to wake, while we were trying to gage her heartbeat during resting and active periods...not exactly what we had in mind. We tried OJ, and this buzzer thing that they put on my tummy right where her head is and it emits this terrible sound like(if your a farmer) a cattle prod. It startled her a bit, but then she went right back to sleep. Seriously. Now, at this point, I am bit emotional. The nurse practitioner wasn't exactly looking much calmer, instead they rushed me over to the hospital to see my perinatologist. (I made it over there so fast, they hadn't gotten my paperwork yet.) Anyway, after 2 and 1/2 hours, she woke up and did everything perfectly. A big part of me wanted to beg for some steroids to develop her lungs more fully and admit myself for constant supervision. The other part knew I have to give her the best and one more week, is the best. (Plus, I hadn't showered, so I thought a shower would be a good thing too.) Anyway, kick counts R us and I may strap my Doppler around my belly. :)

Today my girlfriend called and shared this powerful correlation...living in God's house is a lot like living with your parents. You have to follow their rules, even though you don't like them. That has followed me everywhere today. How amazingly true. Every time I said no to Gavyn and Emi today, this thought came back.

"No, you can not have ice cream. It's 5 o'clock, dinner will be ready soon."

"No you can not play a game that Emi is the bad guy and you kick her."

"No, you can not tinkle on that!"

God has my best interests in mind, even though I would like to set the rules myself, He knows best. I can't tell you how many books I have read searching for this logic. He is pretty amazing sticking this in my mind right now, when I need it the most.

How many times have we questioned our parents logic, thinking we knew best, only to see it clearly later. How many times have I questioned what God has in store for me?

I am living in His house. I will try to remember the rules better. The beauty is, even when I fail, He will love me anyway.

Love,
Jenn

One year ago tonight, I was getting ready to go through one of the most excrutiating days of my life. I had to bury my child. My little boy that I loved and still love, but could only see him one last time, I had to do a task that no parent should ever have to go through. Then, I had to keep living without him, which is so extremely hard.

I still desperately want to hold Harrison. I want to wake up and have this all be a bad dream. I want so much, so much that will never be on this earth.

In two hours, there will be only 9 days before Charlotte is to be born. 15 days and one year between my children. There are so many challenges with that. I know God is in charge, but as a grieving parent, I sometimes question His sovereignty. For His glory...what about me, I selfishly want to scream. I know He whispers in the quietness. His voice is in the love I feel all around me, and I can't fathom a world without love. But I am a parent, and I would do anything for my children to live here on earth, even though I know Harrison has a life beyond what I can ever imagine. As a grieving parent, I want to go back and change anything to make Harrison live here on earth. Sometimes, I wondered if that anything would include God. Sometimes, in the torturous moments, I know I answered yes. Then, Gavyn or Emi would walk in with a smile and I saw a piece of heaven in their smile. I know I can't stop believing. I will never stop believing.

The day before Harrison's birthday, Emi and Gavyn and I were talking in the car on the way to school. Emilia asked if Harrison would have a birthday cake with Jesus. I said of course, it would be amazing and beyond our imaginations. I know this had to be true...I just wish Jesus would send out an online photo gallery...anyway, Emi sang Happy Birthday the rest of the day and that was sweet to hear.



Harrison,

I wish that today I was holding your hand and helping you to toddle around the furniture. I wish we were laughing and making funny faces, doing all the things that you and I should have been doing. I promise you that I will do my best here on earth so that someday, God will choose to let me be in heaven with you.

I love you so much.

Mommy

blue and pink

Two different emotions, as different as blue and pink. That's where I am lately. Caught in a whilrwind of feelings that are lonely, yet I am so obviously not alone in this body.

One year ago today, I had my 36 week check up. Harrison's little active body had a heartbeat of 160. He was a mover and a shaker that day. Dr. Jones and I were talking about inducing in a months time. I left the appointment and went on a shopping spree, realizing how much I needed to do in the next four weeks. I purchased a car seat cover, 200+ diapers, several new outfits, pacifiers and so much more that day. I look at those receipts every once in a while and wish I could just nonchalantly toss them, knowing I had used them. Instead they all sit in packaging waiting, much like my heart does somedays.

I talked with another mom that lost her daughter, who was much older, and we were talking about shopping, (it's a girl thing, I swear) we were sharing how we always shop a year in advance to get great deals for the upcoming year. It hit me how comforted I was, knowing she too had a box of clothes for a child that would never grow into them. Someday, when I am old and unable to tell my family how I feel, I know they will see all those little things that were meant for Harrison and know that I never lost the desire to hold my little boy for more time. That I had, in fact, intended to see him grow older all while in my arms.

Now, I look in that same closet of his and see Charlotte's clothes next to his. I know so much more about her then I will ever know of Harrison. I know that her resting heartbeat is between 132 and 136, but when she starts moving that goes all the way up in the 160s. I know she does not like it when I lay on my back. That she kicks 25 times in about 20 minutes after a meal. I know she has very long legs (67%) and that right now she weighs approximately 5lbs, 7 oz. I know that right now our plan (Please God, may this be yours too) is to do an amnio on Oct 1 at ten am and induce after that. I know she is a good breather already. I know her cheeks are chubby and it appears that she, like Harrison, will have her daddy's chin. I can tell you all these physical things, but I can't even wrap my mind around actually holding her. How sometimes, I just expect the bottom to fall out.

There are two different emotions laid out. I am relying on God's love to carry me through them.

Love,

Jenn