The New normal

I have heard so many people refer to "the new normal" when they go through something life changing and I think that fits this blog. So many times I have debated what this blog is to me...therapy, expression, my own need to journal in a world so electronic. Most of all I have wondered what I should blog about. I started this with the loss of Harrison, but my life is more than my loss. Not that I don't feel this enormous hole everyday, but I also relish in the raising of my 3 on earth, so...I started a new blog. Yep, 2 months of no writing and I take on a new challenge. I think it will be easier, somehow, to seperate my life here on earth and my sweet boy in heaven. With that, I introduce you to Letters to Harrison. You can still come here and read up on our current lives and no doubt, Harrison is as much a part of our everday conversations as anyone else, but I will have a place to intimitely write to the son I can not hold on my lap. And why share this with you? Because anyone can see how much I love my kids on earth, this is the only way you may be able to see how much I love the one in heaven.
Love,
Jenn

A New Resource

I love it when I find a great new resource, and yet I hate it that there is a need for resources.  The question of why we need loss has been a huge question that has been on my mind, but quite frankly, it's a deep one that will take some time to blog about and well, this mama doesn't have that kind of time...so until then, here's the new resource, Healing Hearts. If you live in Omaha, and you need some of the tea, please just let me know. My friends over at Top to Bottom, have ordered it in and I would love to personally deliver it to you.

Love ya,
Jenn

Itouch blogging

So this is desperation in blog land. I have reached a point where I have to do whatever works...right? So I am sitting in the glider nursing Charlotte and blogging on my itouch. So here's my life. And what led me to this point, you ask? The sickies. Gavyn became infested last Thursday, spent a week at home, before passing it on to the girls! So I sit rocking Charlotte, who loves her mama's lap, and NOTHING else. Gotta embrace that! (cause, really what other choice is there?)The good news is I showered today, and yes, that is remarkable. I would love to insert some pics right now, but my thumbs can't fiqure that out.
Since I am using a favorite gadget, I must tell you that it's probably the best gift Brian suprised me with. (okay, it was a FAMILY gift, but I hijacked it) anyway, if you are searching for something fabulous for someone, go grab them an itouch or go in with a whole group and split the cost.... I think I could nurse her for years between the cuddling and the web browsing. Okay, my thumbs are tired. Short post, but still a post.
Love,
Jenn

Happy Birthday Charlotte Hazelle!

I can't believe a year has passed. My littlest has moved out of the months and into the years. Amazing. We had a fabulous day. Family came over, friends were here, Charlotte was so happy! Her daddy would have liked a little better football, but hey, yesterday really wasn't about the game!

We marked her day by writing her a letter for 18th birthday. She has so much already, I couldn't see giving her more. I have learned memories are so much more powerful than a gift. So know we have something to look forward to in 17 more years...

We also had some amazing photos taken of the day. Go ahead and take a peek at Samantha Lawrence Photography. I am sure I will have more to say about this later, but right now I hear a brilliant fall day calling me!

Love,
Jenn

PS. If you want to write a letter to Charlotte, I'd love that. Just email me with Charlotte's birthday in the subject line and I won't peek,  (promise)  then I will print them and put them in her time capsule.

Awkwardness at its best?

Oh, may I never have to take that title to this post and say it again! Here's the deal, people say completely inappropriate stuff. I generally write it off as they don't know how to act or speak when you say you lost a child. I have given some thought to how I answer the question "How many kids do you have?" My answer is, almost always, 3 on earth, one in heaven. It's straight forward and I feel good about it. I generally don't explain further, unless they ask. So here I am, this weekend, in a professional seminar about marketing for the holidays and a girl (not sayin' woman anymore...) and I go to lunch. We are acquaintances, we know general stuff about each other. So she asks about my kids...I tell her...she asks what happened to Harrison...I tell her...she then says (I kid you NOT) that she knows EXACTLY how I feel...(insert tears) she just lost her d.o.g.        (Please pick your jaw up...I KNOW!)

I am stunned. Shocked. I thought I had heard some fairly insensitive stuff. I am not prepared for this. I can say nothing. I sit wishing my diet Pepsi had a little something added to it...I decide in my mind (which is reeling) to ignore that this came out of her bloody mouth. (Sorry, I might have been a bit peeved.) I sit through 2+ hours of more training...(not by her anymore!) I leave and call a girlfriend. Thank GOD for girlfriends! I explain what happened and she started laughing! And because I know my girlfriend truly cares about me, I see how downright hysterical this is, cause this girl has NO clue! No clue to love beyond the love of her dog! (I should add, I love my dog usually  and I do love my pets, but they are NOT my children.)

So people are weird. I will never look at her the same. I know love beyond measure and give love that can not be humanly explained. Love that has no boundaries.

"So this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much, but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent "

Philippians 1
The Message

I don't want to sound like a non-animal lover...but I do think the Lord has a big point in this statement. Love appropriately. I love my dog, appropriately, I love my kids beyond measure. It is my sincere prayer for everyone that they experience true love. Love that grows. Love that is like a hot air balloon...a fire lit, a take off moment and then the floating higher than you ever imagined. That is the love I feel for God and my family.

Love,
Jenn

Oh Fall!

Well, I feel like it has been quite a while since I was able to sit down and breathe blog. Ahh, the overcommitments of a SAHM! I would go into my overexhuburance of my life, but it may send me into a panic and right now I just want to sit down and take a breathe! (I am ignoring the fact that Emi is on, like, her third tv show...I am sure it will not stunt her too bad...)
Any whoo, today is my day! (It didn't start like that and if you follow on FB, you know how it started!) So I just broke out the small basket of fall decorations, set the dining room table all fall like (I need a centerpiece) and even rearranged the front entrance. Whew! Thank heavens Charlotte is still napping! Which is a whole nuther story...I forget how difficult it is to transition from two naps to one.
So as I have been rocking her (for hours each day, which I secretly l.o.v.e.) I have hopping around decorating blogs. I love that there are so many re-purposing sites. I discovered that I really like the more ecclectic look (and the fact it so much more budget friendly is a huge plus!) (How many parenthesis can I fit in this post?) So I thought I would share a few of my favorite places...
The Old Painted Cottage
Perfectly Imperfect
Eighteen25
Remodelaholic
Show and Tell
It's the little things...
The Magic Brush

Oh, there's more, but I can't have you snag all my ideas their ideas.

Love,
Jenn

Dear Harrison,


I sit here tonight at a computer screen, when I should be wrapping up your toys. I should have tucked you into bed (probably in bed with Gavyn, who am I kidding). Kissed your sweet little face, rumpled your dark curly hair and reminded you to stay in bed...then you should have been a twerp and gotten out of bed at least half a dozen times.

I love you.

Instead, here I sit, arms aching for you. Do you know I never held another baby until your sister Charlotte was born? My arms just physically hurt to hold my baby, my sweet Harrison, my amazing you.

I love you.

Today your dad and I spoke at a grief workshop. (Okay, so I did most of the talking, but your dad, well, he said some really important stuff.) We told them how easy it was to have Gavyn and Emilia before she was talking and how we miscarried a baby before you and then how we didn't know and couldn't fathom that you would die. We cried that we were so clueless. That I was so clueless. I am sorry sweetie, I didn't know. I have learned that the "what if's" would drive me crazy, but I would have done anything for you. I want you to know that. I want you to know that although I am glad your in heaven, I wish you could have scraped your knee here on earth...I would love to buy you your own bandaids. (Gavyn was so "into" those when he was 2.)

I love you.

I wish that you could hold your sister, Charlotte. She is so amazingly sweet and calm. God's redeeming grace.

I love you.

Gavyn wants to go to the cemetary to wish you happy birthday tomorrow. Emi thought maybe you would come to your birthday party, sweet girl. I told her you would be there, we just wouldn't see you, you are all around us in the love that we feel. I know that, but I still miss you. I will always miss you on this side of heaven.

Because I love you.

So in a few hours, it will be "officially" your second birthday. And I will stand here, wishing you were in my arms like you are in my heart. I will sing Happy Birthday to you and I will rejoice every day that you are my son. No matter how long I held you. No matter how many pictures I have of you, you will always be my sweet third child.

I love you.

Mommy

***Please remember to pause the playlist.

Harrison's 2nd birthday

I have to tell you that by the time my head hit the pillow yesterday, I was so exhausted...mentally. it was one of those moments days, where there were so many thoughts and feelings rolling through my mind that I was energized...until I sat down. Here's why...I am so privileged to be one of the parent volunteers for our women's hospital in the perinatal loss department. (Okay, I don't know that's what they call it, a department and all...let's just say it's an amazing ministry of caring people.) Quite frankly, people that love babies, breathing or not are fairly high on my list of people I want to be around. Anyway, I went to our meeting yesterday, at the new hospital (lovely, by the way). Sat through the meeting, my favorite kind (one where things get decided), gave my input on parent perspectives (where I felt valued) then had a tour (lovely, almost made me want another...almost.) However, my tour was one where I had to walk through what it would be like to give birth, again, to a child that did not, would not live on this earth and at the end of the tour, it happened...a white rose on a door, a baby wrapped up, not moving...parents whose hearts were broken. The hurt will never go away, the emotions of losing a child are sitting at the top of my throat. The hole seemed to open, the clouds were sitting on the horizon...waiting for my tears to thunder. Then I felt His hand, guiding me, knowing that Harrison was with a purpose. So I swallowed, said a prayer and told the nurse that if and when the family wanted to talk I was there. I will be here. The Lord is good, I know He is there in the pain, wiping my tears.

I have known for a long time that I could not have made it through the days or weeks to follow with out the voices of other moms that had gone before me. The voices that I became to know through blogs and books (and with you Kim). So in honor of Harrison's second birthday, we are having a party, a fundraising party to help supply the books that I have loved. Here's the invite.

Harrison's 2nd birthday
 
I am listing the books, with links, below. I have received several emails from people interested in purchasing a book.
Here are some options:
1) You can purchase the books directly, either through the link or elsewhere,
2) You can donate a dollar amount and we will apply that to book sales,
3) You can buy any Mary Kay item from today until Harrison's actual birthday and 100% of the profits will go towards the purchase of books.
4) You can come on over and celebrate with us on the 9th of September. Donate or don't, just celebrate the 37 weeks I held him and the 5 hours we all met him face to face.

We Were Going to Have a Baby, but We had an Angel Instead
Life Touches Life
Tear Soup
Empty Cradle, Broken Heart

* Please send any books or money you wish to donate to my home, this will make the donation so much easier. Need my address? Send me an email @ thehofffamily@msn.com
Love,
Jenn

Ps. For those of you wondering why the 9th and not Harrison's actual birthday, Brian and I are participating in a grief training workshop for health professionals. Please keep us in your prayers as we prepare to share our story.

Clear skies.

Over the last 22 months, I felt like my emotions were like the weather; rainy, snowin' like a blizzard, a few cloudy with a chance of sun...you get the idea, but lately, it feels like this enormous "fog" has been lifting and I can see a little clearer. I want to confess to you, at first what I was seeing wasn't pretty...it was, well, downright yuck in the muck (as Emi would say!) During this time, I have concentrated on living and making sure my kids on earth were taken care of. I just wanted to be a mom to all of them and a wife to my sweet husband. I could have cared less if the bills were paid, or the house was organized, or if I even knew what food was in the house(and don't get me started on the laundry...). I lived one moment to the next. (Which does not take these things into mind!) So when this "fog" began to clear...I was downright ticked.

Thankfully, God kept a hold of my hand and walked me out of that junkyard! He reminded me that a little scripture in the morning gives me fuel for a pleasant mind. ( A diet soda helps too!)So, I crawled out of the junk and grabbed a pitch fork and have been straightening the piles out. It stinks, occassionally, but I will just hold my nose and do what needs to be done. And it feels good. Freeing. Like clear skies are on the horizon and just might stay. Sure, I know there will be rain clouds occassionally, but I also know the sky will clear and the sun will return. He promises me that.

I think it is normal to feel foggy after having the world collapse on you. I think that no one can tell you this, or prepare you for what to say or do, or feel. Sometimes you just have to be. Then after you are, you learn again...and no matter how painful it feels, life goes on. The difference for me is that life goes on with a new sense of with Harrison, rather than without. I see him all the time. He is in the smiles of his siblings; in the chub of his little sister, Charlotte; in the wisdom of his big brother, Gavyn; and the uncontrollable laughter of his big sister, Emilia. It's just a different way of seeing him than I had planned. Although I would have never choosen this sight, I have had to learn to be okay with it.

We went home to my folks this weekend, and as we all got out at the county fair, a balloon was floating up to the heavens and I saw him there. Clear skies with a balloon of hope.

Love,
Jenn

Daydreaming

Lately, I have been daydreaming of simpler times...a time before tv, when kids just romped and played outside. Dreams in which I live in a great big old farmhouse, white with a wrap around porch. A porch made for a swing and rocking chairs, where I could take my Sonic lemonade outside and watch the kids draw in the dirt with long sticks and not worry about them poking their eyes out. Days with no worries about the laundry getting done...it would be neatly hung on the line in the backyard...blowing gently and gracefully in the wind.

Maybe it's the fact I grew up on a farm where my summer days were filled with taming kittens and reading books under trees. I just want pieces of that small town familiarness to fill the hearts of myself and my kids. I try in the suburbs to fill some of this desire...we blow bubbles on our small porch and my kids love the teeny pool in the back. I hang my diapers outside (even on the front porch) reserving the right to let my neighbors see our primal way of life.  Simple things, like the smell of the library, a picnic at a small lake and playing pirate camp in the tree house.

So our summer has been simpler. Cheaper. More back to the basics. And we are loving it.

I believe in lots of things. God, family, church. I also believe in the small business.I love the closeness of small town type businesses and do my best to support them. I don't want to tell you where to shop, but I will tell you where I shop and why I shop there. I love knowing my dollar makes a difference. Sure you can go to the Targets of the world and get a great deal, but when you shop local with a small business, you can completely change someone's life. You can help them build their family with every dollar you spend. It's my soapbox. I stand tall on it. So if your in the market to support a small business, I'll tell you where I love to shop.

First off, there is Jacob's room. My friend Amy owns this little toy store in Wayne. (actully it's not so little) She named the store after the son she lost shortly after his birth. She also has amazing prices and will ship for Free with a $50 purchase.

Then there is Uppercase Living with my friend Jodi and Close to my Heart with my friend Brenda. I love both their products and have closets of their stuff to prove it!

For my baby supplies, I uses Top to Bottom Baby boutique for all my cloth diapering needs. Jess and Justin are terrific. Their products are fabulously priced and completely addictive. I get all my bras, and breastfeeding supplies at Breastfeeding Support and Supplies of Omaha. Diane is wonderful to work with. Both of these places also carry Moby Wraps...you know I love these!

I recently found an adorable kids clothing store, Sophia's Style. The girls are loving the great deals I get there and the clothes are so sweet!

I also have to plug my own business...I have been using Mary Kay for years and love it. I love that we pray together regularly! I also love their return policy...if you don't love it, we'll give your money back!

So there, I am off my soapbox. Which, by the way, would be made of a simple fruit box in my old fashioned simpler world.

Now what is your daydream?

Love,
Jenn

Lovin' this song...

So as you know, we've been under the weather, but I keep thinking how Harrison will never have a cold, or a rash. He will just have amazing blessings ALL the time. Doesn't mean I don't miss him every day though. So...I love this song. Save a place for me, it won't be long.

Love,

Jenn

ps. Don't forget to pause the playlist before pushing play.
Okay, apparently you have to view on you tube...sorry it's 2 clicks away...worth it.

Poor Charlotte...

Miss Charlotte has a bit of a rash...okay, maybe the "bit" is a "bit" understated...

Poor baby.

And Gavyn and Emilia...yea, they have nasty colds. (didn't think you wanted a picture of that!)

So here it is summer and we are still stuck inside. THE real bummer, we were in ALL last week, so who knows how these germs snuck in!

Anyway, we are here. We are fine. We are faithful.

Love,

Jenn

Dishes.

I want to say that I am the kind of mom/wife that ends her day with a clean house. You know the kind that does the dishes, rather than leave them in the sink...and I want to be...especially in the morning...but it's about a 60/40 chance that there will be stuff out in the morning. (60 % I did it, 40% I was hoping it would be done when I woke.) So today, Sunday of all days, I had to wake up to a bit of a mess in the kitchen and as I happily cleaned up the dishes (my parents were here, so I was grateful that I had a mess.) I loaded the dishes in the dishwasher and poured in the detergent, only to fall short the needed amount. Now rather than get aggrevated about this, I smiled...these dishes my dad ate off of didn't have soap...

There was a time as a child, that my dad ran out of soap for the dishwasher. (He was "in charge" of turning on the machine after lunch.) As a good problem solver, Dad had no hesitantion as to how to "solve" this problem...just add liquid dishwashing soap. Have you ever seen Mr. Mom, the movie? Umm, let's just say the kitchen floor ended up VERY clean also.

So here I am short of the required soap. As I inwardly chuckled at my dad's problem solving, I thought about other ways I have come up short...other times I have been "short" and how I have substituted inappropriately.  As a Christian, I often know the path God wants me to lead, but I fall short and I go another way. I substitute the easier way of doing things and fall short of the path God wants me on, the path He calls me to be on. I forget to go to Him first, I just go and do what I want. I fall short.

Like the problem of not having properly prepared and purchased enough soap, I forget to renew myself with Him every moment of every day. I fall short. Sometimes, I have to fall to see His saving Grace. I have to wash the dishes by hand, or I have to flood the kitchen with bubbles...whatever it takes to see how I fall short and He loves me anyway, in spite of my shortcomings, in fact because of them. I fall to Him. The Lord is good that way.


Your raisin fingered follower,
Jenn

If you are longing to see more of Charlotte...

So it's been a crazy week and my dear friend Sam helped me with the girls the other day. (First time I left Charlotte too...) Anyway, while entertaining my chickies, she also took some amazing photos...go check it out! Samantha Lawrence Photography The title of the post says it all.

Not Me Monday..Out of the mouths of babes and a critter

This did not happen in my house:
I did not offer to race Gavyn to see who could get dressed for school first. I did not clearly win, when he  looked at me and said "Mom, you're still in your pajamas." I did Not think to myself is this an insult to my clothes, or to my pajamas...

Emi did Not ask Gavyn to marry her someday. He did Not reply "Sorry, I am either going to marry Charlotte or Lilly (a girl in his class)." Poor Emi.

Emi did Not draw a picture of 2 people and announce "This says "No mommies allowed in my room" ...except to read books"

I did Not feel like a rock star mom when I grilled out for the second time in 2 years. I did Not have an enormous amount of pride in myself that I could manage all the kids, have the table set and a healthy meal on the table. I did Not take the burgers off the grill, turn off the burners and reach under to turn off the propane. I DID NOT FEEL A FURRY THING ON MY FINGERS... it was Not a mouse...I did NOT start screaming, writhing around, flying in the house shrieking...I did NOT wash my hands to the elbows twice, use enough antibac to make my hands bleed. I did Not run out to the garage when I heard my hubby return. He did Not laugh at me and go to check out the critter. He did NOT return to tell me, I had K.i.l.l.e.d. it with my shrieking. We did Not have Sonic instead of my healthy food. I will NOT be going outside for sometime.

I am Not going to bed now...it's only 7. Not Me...

Love,
Jenn

Right now.

I am just going to tell it like it is right now.

 It's not easy.

It's not easy to have a baby, after having a baby who did not live. And then, I feel like sharing with you...well, you might be tired of hearing it. Some days, I am tired of feeling it...other days I want to roll up in the feeling, nurse it really good with some photos, plug in my ipod to my songs of memories and stay there for a L.O.N.G. time. That's how it is.

Every month that Charlotte gets older, Harrison has been out of my arms 13 months+Charlotte's age. 19 months and 6 days today, just in case you are doing the math. I look at her and I love the rolls of her chub. Then look away and think how much I wish I was fighting off the brotherly love of her slightly older brother Harrison, whom I am sure would have been her best friend.  Other times, I think about how I had just weaned Gavyn at this age, and I wonder what it would have been like...but I can't stay there very long, because I know it won't happen no matter what I wish. Sometimes, dreams don't come true.

And I wonder, how long will it be before this raw feeling lays way. Will I ever be able to stand in a room with women and listen to their birth stories? (and why do women talk about this so much...seriously people, a story involving your vagina interests me very little, just sayin') Will I always feel this bit of anger at Meth addicted moms who give birth to perfectly healthy babies? Will I ever be able to buy a baby present for someone before they give birth? Questions that I couldn't have fathomed asking 2 short years ago...

So that's how it is right now. Right now. The right now, that is ever changing. I just remind myself that although it seems like forever here, there is no time in heaven. My little boy in Heaven is not experiencing the pain of time. The time between him leaving me and then reuniting with me will seem like nothing to him. For that, I can be in the right now.

Love,
Jenn

Miss Charlotte update...

Tonight is the first night that Charlotte is sleeping in her crib. I know, you are thinking she's so little...okay, maybe you are not thinking exactly that...but in any case, don't worry I moved the crib next to our bed :) Really, just inches away. I looked at that crib, way across the room, and well, I couldn't do it. It just brought tears to my eyes. I need her closer, so I can hear her  breathing and feel her chest move up and down,  if necessary. I trust God, really I DO... But I need reassurance. Reassurance that Miss Charlotte will grow up with her family here on earth, so she sleeps next to me. Oh and what else does she do you ask...she sings, loudly; she smiles constantly; she reaches out and grabs a toy with purpose; she laughs when we sing her The Noble Duke of York; she rolls from her tummy to her back; and well, she creates this lovely feeling right down in my heart.

Oh, I also took some pictures of a day in the life...

Love,

Jenn

New Look. Same Me.

I decided it was time for an update. A chance to show off all four of my beautiful children. So, I am cleaning house and redoing my blog...which, by the way, has slowed down my house cleaning...so here it is, a new look. Don't worry it's still me.
Love,
Jenn

These are a few of my favorite things!

Raindrops on roses and potty chair sittin’

Bright cloth diapers and warm matching mittens

Brown paper packages holding some bling,

These are a few of my favorite things!

Chocolate colored moby wraps and Sonic Diet Cokes

lipgloss and lip balm and Mexican from Stokes

Lilypads that stick to my boob and don’t leak,

These are a few of my favorite things!

Girls in babylegs with pink satin sashes

Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eye lashes

Silver white winters that melt into spring

These are a few of my favorite things!

When the dog barks, when the milks out,

When I'm feeling overwhelmed,

I simply remember

my favorite things

and then I don't feeel so bad!

Raindrops on roses and potty chair sittin’

Bright cloth diapers and warm matching mittens

Brown paper packages holding some bling,

These are a few of my favorite things!

I rest in you...

I have been angry most of the day today. Angry that my Dad has been in pain, angry that Brian has been sent out of town, angry that I have parent teacher conferences, a deacons meeting, a Valentines party and angry that I have a house to clean before Charlotte's baptism. A lot of anger. But at the heart of it, I just look at my family and I am angry that I have to be Harrison's voice. I keep seeing him here with us and I miss him, miss knowing that the 16 month old I keep picturing will only be here in my mind, never in my physical presence. Then tonight I watched Angie and Todd Smith on youtube and that anger is gone. It changed into gratitude. I am blessed to have a dad that will recover from his pain, I am grateful that I have a husband and family, I love that I have a church to call home, I will keep saying Harrison's name and being his voice is a privilege and boy, am I excited to dedicate Charlotte to the Lord!!!

Because I rest in Him.

I know that the Lord has a plan. I don't always get it, nor do I sometimes want to. But I rest in His outstretched arms and there I will remain. So if you need a cry and then a moment of trust, watch these videos.




I love you!
Jenn

Oooo! This is so exciting!!!

So let me tell you I am giddy with excitement, positively giddy! Because...someone who is also expecting a Charlotte is going to visit me...Angie Smith and Selah are going to be (hee, hee, hee!!!) at my church! (Okay, they are not really here to see just me, they want to see you too.)Seriously!!!Aren't you so excited to?!?! So here's the scoop, March 21st at 6 pm they will all be here. Want tickets? Yea, they are not available yet, but I will personally purchase them for you and deliver them anywhere in the Omaha area. If you don't live here, I'll mail them. Oh, and the price...12.50 starting this weekend for only 2 weeks. Then they will be $15 until the date and $20 at the door. Just leave me a comment and I'll grab them before they are even printed, that's just the kind of friend I am.

Love,
Jenn

I'm still here...

Okay, my new years resolutions was to blog more...what is today? The 20th!!! Life is very crazy busy. I think I spend 20 hours nursing a day and the other four I spend cleaning up the mess that happens when I am nursing. :) Anyway, here are some of my favorite pictures that Mandi took a couple of weeks ago.

Love,

Jenn