Oh, so I am on my way to bed, right now and I hear myself being called here. But just for a few minutes...it's 11 and I need a little shut-eye, but I also needed a little time here. Time to let down my hair, even if it is too short to be up, just to sit and let the words flow.
Gavyn started kindergarten this week. He really seems to like it. He is exhausted and very hungry when he gets home, but content too. I laughed at his art work that came home this week. On the space for "What did you do to get ready for school?" He drew a picture of Target and Emi, him and I standing outside. Then on another picture he wrote the word "Mecedonods" (Mickey Donalds aka McDonalds) and drew his favorite Happy Meal toy (the little Ty hamster) I am pretty sure his teacher thinks we shop a lot (we do.) Who knows what else she heard!
Gavyn and "Hamstie" on their first day of school.
Emi is fine without Gavyn at home. Quite frankly, she'd be fine if I left too...she kept asking our sitter exactly why was she here the other day. Melissa told her that she had to stay to cook her food. That seemed to work for her. Seriously, you'd think she was 15. Just wait till you see my "Not Me Monday" post coming up. The girl can crack me up.
I am okay. Well, that's probably exaggerating. My house is a disaster. You know what that means. Messy minds, and accepting where you are and most of all that God is right there beside you, around you and in everything. Tomorrow is 11 months. Tonight is 11 months since I heard the news, with my doctor and a nurse I had barely met...I never want to hear that again. Those words have imprinted on my soul, but I will rise.
There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say, It is well
Jesus has overcome
and the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead
And I will rise
When He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise, on eagle's wings
Before my God fall on my knees,and rise...
I will rise
There's a day that's drawing near
when this darkness breaks to light
and the shadows disappear
and my faith shall be my eyes
Jesus has overcome
and the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise, on eagle's wings
Before my God fall on my knees,and rise...I will rise
And I hear the voice of many angels sing
Worthy is the Lamb!And I hear the cry of every longing heart
Worthy is the Lamb!
And I hear the voice of many angels sing
Worthy is the Lamb!
And I hear the cry of every longing heart
I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise, on eagle's wings
Before my God fall on my knees,and rise...I will rise....I will rise....
"I will Rise"
Chris Tomlin
And sometimes, when there are only tears, I have to sing this in my head. Knowing that because of Jesus, Harrison has risen, before I even knew it, he had heard the voices of angels singing. Being in grief and pregnant again is like two different worlds. Hope used to look like overwhelming joy to me. Hope is different now. Hope is a trust that is unimaginable faith. Faith that sometimes wavers, because I just need to protect my heart. Hope is online shopping for baby things, but having to leave them in the shopping cart waiting for a baby cry before purchasing. And then Hope rears her beautiful head when I am lying in bed with Gayn and he says "I bet there are not a lot of kids that have four kids in their family." Hope knows when I need to hear a five year old count his siblings that live here on earth and in Heaven. Hope lives.
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise Him,
my Savior and my God.
Psalm 43:5
Love,
Jenn
