Well, we made it through another Christmas and it turned out okay. We were snowed in and had to spend 4 days all snug in the house, but we survived. Gavyn actually just changed his jammies in the morning every day and called himself good for another 24 hours. Boys! Emi, however, being the girl that she is, changed at least half a dozen times.


Christmas, every year, is a celebration of Christs birth and we truly celebrate that, but it comes without saying, we miss our son who is in heaven. We were blessed, once again, to receive some really amazing gifts in honor of his memory and for that we are thankful.

Having Charlotte here helps, but she is and never will be a replacement for the child we lost. Harrison was the child we longed for and heaven seems really far off.

Last week, Gavyn said, "Mom, I wish Jesus were alive today."

"Yes, wouldn't that be amazing."

"If Jesus were alive, Harrison would be alive too."

Okay, this confused me a bit, but I thought I could get to the bottom of it. "Gavyn, if Jesus were alive, then we wouldn't have heaven to look forward too."

"Yea, but if Jesus were alive, He could have saved Harrison just like He saved that sick girl."

Now what do you say to that? I explained that we were so lucky God gave us His son to live here on earth and then die for us, so that even when we make bad choices, we can ask and be forgiven. Then, when we die, we can go and live in Heaven. That is where Harrison is, listening to Jesus tell stories and waiting for the biggest birthday party ever.

That seemed to be okay with him for a while, then in his sweetest voice, he said "yea, but I still wish He would have saved Harrison."

I know. I know.

After I lost Harrison, I thought about all the things I wish I would have done differently during the pregnancy. I would have taken more pictures, I would have video taped his massive kicking, I would have talked to him more and then I got pregnant with Charlotte and I couldn't do all the things that I wanted to. I was so afraid. I couldn't bring myself to trust in my God. When other people have disappointed me, there have been natural consequences. I may not tell them my secret if they blab it to others, or if someone spouts untruths, I will distant myself from them. But what about when God disappoints me? It's a question that all parents who lose a child wonder. Where is our relationship with Him when it matters most?

He cries with us.

Being pregnant was not easy and I will Not do it again. A friend asked me if I ever wondered if we hadn't lost Harrison then we wouldn't have Charlotte. I have wondered this, but only briefly. And my answer to her was probably curt. I said that although grateful for Charlotte, I always saw myself raising two boys. Now what I didn't say was that I love the girls, really I do. They are amazing and playing with dolls again, well that goes with out saying. However, I had pictured my life with boys in it since we found out we were having another boy. We had dreamt and planned for 17 weeks of how our life would be with 2 boys and a princess in the middle. (And she's still a princess in the middle, just now there is a princess on the end!) So although we are blessed with the miracle of Charlotte, it does not make our longing for Harrison any less. Make sense?

I love hearing his name. I love driving down Harrison street. I love going in the closet and seeing his little clothes. I love my little boy, just as I love Gavyn, Emilia and Charlotte. I am a mom of four. I always will be.

Love,
Jenn

The Christmas list

I remember as a child the excited anxiety that would begin to set in when those sought after Christmas catalogs would arrive in the mail. The way my heart would race as I turned the pages seeking just that one gift that would make my life so much better. Then, as I spotted the toy that answered my hearts longing, I would get that red pen out and circle it over and over again, knowing this is what Santa would bring.

Now, as the parent, I watch my children with this same longing and I wait to hear what that toy will be. This year, Gavyn decided not to wish for a toy at all. He instead has placed at the top of his wish list a ring. Not any ordinary ring, but a magical one! A ring that can grant any wish for treasures on this earth. Now we have tried explaining the logic of this to him, how if he got the ring it could lead to an ungrateful heart; how having everything you want is not always what we need; how his heart may grow complacent if all his wishes always came true; and what if the ring fell into the wrong hands…what then? But all reasoning is out the door, and I understand how much he believes this can come true. He believes simply that anything is possible.

As I thought about his wish I realized how close it is to what I expect of the Lord. He is my ring and sometimes I wish for things that I should not and cannot have. If I had everything, I may not be grateful for what I do have; I do not need everything I desire; and my heart may not love the Lord as much if He gave me everything I wanted; and maybe if He did, I would stop worshipping the true God and instead turn to greedy Satan. But I do believe that the Lord will provide and provide he does, just not always in the way I wanted.

Isa 55:8 (NIV) "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways," declares the LORD.

This Christmas season (and hopefully far beyond that) I will remember Gavyn’s wish and I will reflect on how we all have desires that the Lord may or may not grant us. I will also remember how my heart pitter-pattered when I walked down the stairs Christmas morning and as I learn more about my Lord, the pitter-pattering will continue.

A weekend in pictures

First there was a Thanksgiving play...

then bell ringing... followed by a princess visit...
then a trip to Nana and Papo's...
and kitty chores...

which Emi loves... now to feed the fishies...
then to the Lutt Christmas... where Charlotte was loved up by her Nana!

If only there were pictures of Gavyn combining, hauling corn and feeding cattle!

Conversations with a 3 year old

Last week, Emi, Charlotte and I met Brian for a lunch date(at the drive-thru...and yes, eating out is the only outing we've been doing for three weeks...and no, the baby weight is not "falling" off like I would like.) Anyway, as we are taking Brian back to his office, Emi says
"Mommies office is far away."

"Yes," I reply. "Far away and very messy. Lots of laundry stacking up there."

"Let's go to your office Mom."

"We're on our way, just gotta drop off Dad."

"Let's go to your office and see how big Charlotte is getting."

That's right. We have been to the OB's so much that Emi thinks that is my "office." And every time we go there, we tell her that we are going to see how big Charlotte is getting. Now we are done, and she's not the only one who feels like this big part of what had become our "normal" life is missing. I miss it too. I don't know if I had just developed such a relationship with our doctors, or if the whole time I was pregnant it was so surreal, that I never really understood it. In any case, we sort of miss it. The routine of it all. Throughout this whole 14 months, we have been shown this amazing love and now we are giving it to a little girl who will grow up seeing one of her big brothers only in pictures. That's sad. Harrison's a great big brother in Heaven, but it would have been amazing to have all four children here on earth.

As I look at Charlotte so many BIG questions pop in my mind; questions of faith, questions that I do not have the knowledge to answer, just to ask. I wonder about God's knowledge. How much does He know? It's a question that has followed me around since Charlotte has been born. I know God knows all, but how much is that? I look into my fourth child’s eyes and I wonder what will become of her life and how much of that God already knows. I question whether our lives are set from the moment we are conceived or if free will leaves us with so many actual choices.

Adam and Eve for instance, did God know when He created Eve that she would meet that snake. Did He know that I would carry Harrison nine months and then I would never see his eyes, never hear his cry? Does He know? Did He know?

Had my life built up for this? What about Jesus? Did God know that when He sent His son, He would have to pay for all our sins? Or if Judas had just been quiet would everything been different? Did God know that or did we, as humans, choose with our free will?

"By faith, we see the world called into existence by God's word, what we see created by what we don't see." Hebrews 11 The Message

I have strong faith. Faith that doesn't question God's decisions...I don't ask why questions. I am asking "Did He?" questions. I know God can do anything. He could have saved Harrison, He did bless us with 4 children. I want to know how much did He/does He know about our lives.

One of my OBs said that someday we will know...somedays, that seems too far away.

Love,
Jenn

Quick Updates

Here are the quick updates in this house. (much longer post to follow...) Gavyn was sick all week. He actually didn't leave the bed until Thursday! During that time, Dad introduced him to Cartoon Network...seriously. I am a bit picky(I know some of you are rolling your eyes...picky me..I know!) Anyway, for five years Gavyn has thought PBS and Disney were the only things out there. He currently is obsessed with Sponge Bob, which he has never seen. (Okay, that's a lie, he SAW it at a local eatery, but there was no sound.) So thankfully, he is better (and away from massive amounts of TV watching) and at school. (With fall break, he was out 12 days!!!)

Emi got sick Tuesday and was only sick for two days. Brian was a trooper and kept both kids separated AND cared for them both because Charlotte and I went into "isolation." We barricaded ourselves in the bedroom (that was to be Harrison's) and had access to the kids' bathroom, while Gavyn moved into our room and Emi stayed in hers. Honestly, as hard as it was to be away from Gavyn and Emi, it provided some amazing bonding time for Charlotte and I. (Oh, and if you need house renovation ideas, I watched approximately 40 shows on kitchen remodels on HGTV. Glass tile is VERY "in.")

Charlotte only spent a couple of days on lights and then tested normal. During that time, she was gaining 3 oz. a day! She thought that after all that snuggle time with mom, she should be held all the time, but lo and behold, last night she slept in her bassinet from 7-7 only waking 3 times! Let's pray for more of that!

Brian and I are still healthy. Of course, since I am the over-protective mother, I called in to our doctors and they put us on Tamiflu, just in case it was H1N1. So hopefully that will do the trick until we get vaccinated later this week.

And what, pray tell, are the girls doing while I blog...



Love,
Jenn

Our new accessory

It was only a matter of time before we started accessorizing...






Blue lights are the "in" thing...jaundice will (hopefully) soon be out!

Big sisters are very helpful!

Love,
Jenn

**Gavyn still remains in isolation. His cough is really yucky, but he hasn't had a temp. today. Hopefully, he will return to school on Thursday. (He's not to happy about missing library day tomorrow, so it's a sign he's beginning to feel better.)

Some pictures...finally!

Here are some awaited photos! They haven't been edited or anything, but they are up! Life here is a bit crazy. We got home Sunday afternoon and by five pm, Gavyn had come down with a bug. So we rearranged a bit and have him quarantined off. (He has temp + cough and drainage) He is handling it pretty well, and keeps showering so he can glance at his new sister. (He showers and then puts his shirt over his nose and mouth for just a glance!)

Charlotte loves to sleep in our arms and is quite a good eater. Her big sister loves to be mommies helper.








Love,
Jenn

Charlotte Hazelle has arrived!

Our beautiful baby girl joined us today at 1:58PM. She weighs 7 pounds and 9 ounces and is 21 inches long. She has dark curly scruff and the cutest little pout. Mom and her are doing great!

baby updates

*Updated Update*
It's now 11AM. We broke the water about an hour-and-a-half ago and are progressing well (3-4cm). The wonderful epidural is in place and everything is looking good.

*Update*
At 6 am Dr. Jones came in and started pitocin. Small change overnight, but hopefully this will start things moving. I have had contractions on and off. Some pretty strong, others...not so much. Once again we just rest in God's timing.

So...came in at 6pm and I was contracting...but apparently doin' nothing!Looks like it will be a long night, but on the good side, I can eat! Brian just ran out for food. The plan is that I had the pill and will start pitocin at 6 am. If anything changes, I'll post again.

Love,
Jenn

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Tomorrow, October 15th is designated as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance day. It is beyond our earthly knowledge to understand why such a day has to exist, but I am glad that we have a day to mourn our sweet children’s lives, even as short as they may have been.

As I was doing some research on this day I found the following statistics:

· The overall miscarriage rate is 15-20%, which is believed to be a low estimate, as many miscarriages occur before women realize they are pregnant. Testing reveals the cause in 50% of those miscarriages.
· 28,000 babies will be stillborn every year here in the United States. Two thirds of the parents who give birth to a stillborn baby will never know the cause.
· About 19,000 children will die in the first month of life in the United States.
· SIDS will claim the lives of another 7,000 infants nationally.

It’s a shocking reality, one that unites so many. There are so many that are affected by miscarriage, stillborn loss and infant loss. If you are one of those parents who has lost a child, this day is a day to know that your child mattered.

There are several ways to honor these children.
*At 7 pm, on October 15, you are invited to light a candle to remember those children who touched our lives without ever speaking a word.
*You can visit http://www.october15th.com/ for more information.
*Additionally, if you want to share your story, (and then we can all pray specifically for you,) you may share in the comment section here on this site.
* Most importantly, you can pray for all parents that have lost a child and in that knowledge you know that God’s love is uniting us all.

I will share first, my name is Jennifer. I will give birth to four children; I have been pregnant six times. Gavyn is five, Emilia is three, Harrison was 37 weeks old when he was born into the arms of Jesus on September 16, 2008 and I am giving birth this week to our little girl, her name is Charlotte. I also miscarried on Sept 14, 2007 at eleven weeks and again on January 14, 2009 at five weeks. I am a believer that holds on to a home far greater than the one that I reside in.

Love,
Jenn

I will continue to update this post with blogs that are observing this day.

I thought this video on was exceptionally touching. Please remember to pause the music on the right side before playing.



***Updates***
Here are other blogs observing the day:
My Charming Kids
My friend Jodi's blog
Bring the Rain
*PS. We are being admitted at 6 pm to begin the process of induction for sweet Charlotte Hazelle. We'll update you later tonite and tomorrow.

There have been many times this last year where I have felt alone and just really so sad. Then I turn on my computer and look at a couple of my favorite blogs. Blogs written by other moms who have had to place their babies in the arms of Jesus. It has been here that I have felt a kinship with people I have never met, where I have shed many tears and where I can identify myself. One of those precious blogs is Bring the Rain. Angie has an amazing way of making the everyday life seem normal, even when as a grieving mom you feel anything but. She has been there...she is there...and I love that Audrey is as much a child in their family as Harrison is in ours. So when I found out that she would be in Omaha with her family on the Selah concert bus, I was overjoyed. And when she responded to an email, I was in shock. Then last night as I spoke with her, well, it was one of those moments where you know that you are in the presence of someone who really knows Him. I really wanted to take a picture with her, but it was such an intimate conversation and she was so incredibly amazing, it wasn't right. She inspires so many to lead lives that are better and has a huge following, but you can tell she is as real as it gets. I stood in line to meet her, and her face lit up with recognition when I told her my name, then we just talked as if there was no line and we were at a Starbucks just hanging out. Oh, and all the while, she was holding a sound asleep Kate (?). It was an honor to meet her and I only cried about a dozen times during the concert...no big surprise.
Love,
Jenn

Kisses from Heaven

Today we woke up to this...

There is a saying that snowflakes are

kisses from Heaven.

I think so...one year ago today was the day Harrison was to be born and the day sweet Harley was born right into the arms of Jesus. We miss you so much. God has once again left us with no coincidences, there are lots of kisses surrounding us. Thanks Harley and Harrison.

Love,
Jenn

Patience is a virtue that rarely comes easily. I plan things; I do things by a plan. So when Miss Charlotte's test score came back as a t.w.e.n.t.y.-e.i.g.h.t. rather than, let's say a 67 (that's what I was trying to visualize) Devastation isn't even close to how I felt. (And still how I feel.) I want to hold a crying baby, and yes, of course I want her to be ready, but I felt owed this score. I know it’s selfish, but it’s honest. My thoughts were somewhere along the lines of "God, you have one of my babies, I want this one NOW." So that was Brian that posted the other day, I would never have said "a little bit longer," because now we have to wait two more weeks. Two weeks is no "little" time.

Two weeks means that now I have to go way past the point where we lost Harrison. It feels like a ticking time bomb. Dr. Bonebrake offered to do another amonio on Friday, but I won't do that to Charlotte. After 14 hours of constant movement on Thursday, I called Dr. Jones who readmitted us to the hospital at 2am for observation and then a biophysical in the morning. We really love those doctors. Anyone that thanks me for calling, and says I can come in everyday for the next two weeks is good with me. Really good...and it's been over 24 hours and I haven't called, but I know that they don't mind if I do.

Two weeks also means that we will go past our due date with Harrison. That she will most likely be born exactly one year and one month past his birthday.

We will go early though. No one is comfortable with me carrying 4o weeks. 39 weeks is the longest Miss Charlotte can go. The risks go up after 39 weeks. (I know we all read the benefits of those last weeks, but the last week is also when stillborn risk increases. That and every day after that.)

So there we are. I managed to get out of bed today...I even showered and we went to a birthday party. Now I am off for a few errands (retail therapy). Then I may crawl back in bed…it’s warm there.

Love,
Jenn

Still Waiting

We had hoped for a different answer today, but Charlotte's is not quite ready for us yet, so we will wait. We ask for prayers of strength. This has been a difficult journey so far, but just a bit further yet to go.

55+

I know this may be a strange sign to post, but there is a reason. This is my prayer request for tomorrow. Charlotte needs to score 55 or above on her aminio in order to be induced. I feel like we've been traveling on this long desert highway for a long time now, so scoring 55+ would be wonderful.

God willing, the plan is to have an aminio at 10 am tomorrow and as soon as we score 55+, we will be moved upstairs to be induced. I spoke with an amazing nurse today and she reassures us we will have the best of care. We will continuely be updating the blog to let you know how things are going. I truely can't quite grasp what our day will be like. (Okay, I haven't even packed yet...) I know that you all will be praying for us and that is the most beautiful thing. We have all had a pretty emotional week and really long to hear Charlotte's cry.

Love ya,
Jenn

Miss Charlotte in 4D

This is actually from last week. She's already smiling!

The rest where taken yesterday.

Can you see her tongue?

So tired!

Love,

Jenn

Did you just read that ticker? 8 days...I haven't decided if this is short or long. I don't think I really "get it." It's been one of those weeks where it is rather busy, but the time ticks away too. Monday, I went in for my regular OB appt and Miss Charlotte decided to sleep through her non stress test. Let me explain...she slept, refusing to wake, while we were trying to gage her heartbeat during resting and active periods...not exactly what we had in mind. We tried OJ, and this buzzer thing that they put on my tummy right where her head is and it emits this terrible sound like(if your a farmer) a cattle prod. It startled her a bit, but then she went right back to sleep. Seriously. Now, at this point, I am bit emotional. The nurse practitioner wasn't exactly looking much calmer, instead they rushed me over to the hospital to see my perinatologist. (I made it over there so fast, they hadn't gotten my paperwork yet.) Anyway, after 2 and 1/2 hours, she woke up and did everything perfectly. A big part of me wanted to beg for some steroids to develop her lungs more fully and admit myself for constant supervision. The other part knew I have to give her the best and one more week, is the best. (Plus, I hadn't showered, so I thought a shower would be a good thing too.) Anyway, kick counts R us and I may strap my Doppler around my belly. :)

Today my girlfriend called and shared this powerful correlation...living in God's house is a lot like living with your parents. You have to follow their rules, even though you don't like them. That has followed me everywhere today. How amazingly true. Every time I said no to Gavyn and Emi today, this thought came back.

"No, you can not have ice cream. It's 5 o'clock, dinner will be ready soon."

"No you can not play a game that Emi is the bad guy and you kick her."

"No, you can not tinkle on that!"

God has my best interests in mind, even though I would like to set the rules myself, He knows best. I can't tell you how many books I have read searching for this logic. He is pretty amazing sticking this in my mind right now, when I need it the most.

How many times have we questioned our parents logic, thinking we knew best, only to see it clearly later. How many times have I questioned what God has in store for me?

I am living in His house. I will try to remember the rules better. The beauty is, even when I fail, He will love me anyway.

Love,
Jenn

One year ago tonight, I was getting ready to go through one of the most excrutiating days of my life. I had to bury my child. My little boy that I loved and still love, but could only see him one last time, I had to do a task that no parent should ever have to go through. Then, I had to keep living without him, which is so extremely hard.

I still desperately want to hold Harrison. I want to wake up and have this all be a bad dream. I want so much, so much that will never be on this earth.

In two hours, there will be only 9 days before Charlotte is to be born. 15 days and one year between my children. There are so many challenges with that. I know God is in charge, but as a grieving parent, I sometimes question His sovereignty. For His glory...what about me, I selfishly want to scream. I know He whispers in the quietness. His voice is in the love I feel all around me, and I can't fathom a world without love. But I am a parent, and I would do anything for my children to live here on earth, even though I know Harrison has a life beyond what I can ever imagine. As a grieving parent, I want to go back and change anything to make Harrison live here on earth. Sometimes, I wondered if that anything would include God. Sometimes, in the torturous moments, I know I answered yes. Then, Gavyn or Emi would walk in with a smile and I saw a piece of heaven in their smile. I know I can't stop believing. I will never stop believing.

The day before Harrison's birthday, Emi and Gavyn and I were talking in the car on the way to school. Emilia asked if Harrison would have a birthday cake with Jesus. I said of course, it would be amazing and beyond our imaginations. I know this had to be true...I just wish Jesus would send out an online photo gallery...anyway, Emi sang Happy Birthday the rest of the day and that was sweet to hear.



Harrison,

I wish that today I was holding your hand and helping you to toddle around the furniture. I wish we were laughing and making funny faces, doing all the things that you and I should have been doing. I promise you that I will do my best here on earth so that someday, God will choose to let me be in heaven with you.

I love you so much.

Mommy

blue and pink

Two different emotions, as different as blue and pink. That's where I am lately. Caught in a whilrwind of feelings that are lonely, yet I am so obviously not alone in this body.

One year ago today, I had my 36 week check up. Harrison's little active body had a heartbeat of 160. He was a mover and a shaker that day. Dr. Jones and I were talking about inducing in a months time. I left the appointment and went on a shopping spree, realizing how much I needed to do in the next four weeks. I purchased a car seat cover, 200+ diapers, several new outfits, pacifiers and so much more that day. I look at those receipts every once in a while and wish I could just nonchalantly toss them, knowing I had used them. Instead they all sit in packaging waiting, much like my heart does somedays.

I talked with another mom that lost her daughter, who was much older, and we were talking about shopping, (it's a girl thing, I swear) we were sharing how we always shop a year in advance to get great deals for the upcoming year. It hit me how comforted I was, knowing she too had a box of clothes for a child that would never grow into them. Someday, when I am old and unable to tell my family how I feel, I know they will see all those little things that were meant for Harrison and know that I never lost the desire to hold my little boy for more time. That I had, in fact, intended to see him grow older all while in my arms.

Now, I look in that same closet of his and see Charlotte's clothes next to his. I know so much more about her then I will ever know of Harrison. I know that her resting heartbeat is between 132 and 136, but when she starts moving that goes all the way up in the 160s. I know she does not like it when I lay on my back. That she kicks 25 times in about 20 minutes after a meal. I know she has very long legs (67%) and that right now she weighs approximately 5lbs, 7 oz. I know that right now our plan (Please God, may this be yours too) is to do an amnio on Oct 1 at ten am and induce after that. I know she is a good breather already. I know her cheeks are chubby and it appears that she, like Harrison, will have her daddy's chin. I can tell you all these physical things, but I can't even wrap my mind around actually holding her. How sometimes, I just expect the bottom to fall out.

There are two different emotions laid out. I am relying on God's love to carry me through them.

Love,

Jenn

What a great weekend!

First, there was a princess' birthday.

She had only been talking about this big day for months.

She loves her horsie!

The birthday party wore everyone out!

Then, there was the first soccer game of the season...

Gavyn loves soccer and said he wants to play it for the rest of his life!

Finally, there was this little band, Point of Grace, that awed and amazed us at our church festival. Not only do they have amazing voices, but they are really genuine people.

A big thanks to everyone that made this possible...and a special thanks to my girlfriend, who when asked for a single tissue, knew there was no time to waste and brought me a box instead.

Her we are...the pregnant duo with Denise. By the way, my partner and friend, Allie had her baby this afternoon. Sweet baby girl, Reagan who weighed in at 9 lbs, 14 oz (!) and 21 inches long. Congrats!

Love,
Jenn

Not Me Monday!

Ahh...My list could be long, there have been too many moments!

*When I told my dear hubbie that although the last three pregnancies have all ended with me being the same weight, but I was afraid this one may go over, he did NOT respond "Funny, this could be our smallest baby."

*When Gavyn asked for more bbq sauce for his chicken nuggets, I did not tell him to rub the chicken nugget around his face. (He did not have plenty bbq all around his mouth.)

*After a bible study, in which I thought I looked particularly cute, my son did not inform me that my striped undies showed through my dress.

*Emilia did not cut the other side of her hair, declaring it "too wiggily and crazy."That did not make me cry.

*I did not go to the Gap today, realize it was 40% off their sale price and that I could use a 25% off coupon and the proceed to buy nearly everything I saw.

*Emi did not poop in her pullup during naptime, change herself, then yell for help. I did not walk in her room and find her naked from the waist down with Batman googles on lecturing herself "I know, I know. Babies poop in their diapers, big girls go on the potty." I did not have to pinch myself REAL Hard to keep from laughing.

Hope your smiling,
Jenn

Still here.

Oh, so I am on my way to bed, right now and I hear myself being called here. But just for a few minutes...it's 11 and I need a little shut-eye, but I also needed a little time here. Time to let down my hair, even if it is too short to be up, just to sit and let the words flow.

Gavyn started kindergarten this week. He really seems to like it. He is exhausted and very hungry when he gets home, but content too. I laughed at his art work that came home this week. On the space for "What did you do to get ready for school?" He drew a picture of Target and Emi, him and I standing outside. Then on another picture he wrote the word "Mecedonods" (Mickey Donalds aka McDonalds) and drew his favorite Happy Meal toy (the little Ty hamster) I am pretty sure his teacher thinks we shop a lot (we do.) Who knows what else she heard!

Gavyn and "Hamstie" on their first day of school.

Emi is fine without Gavyn at home. Quite frankly, she'd be fine if I left too...she kept asking our sitter exactly why was she here the other day. Melissa told her that she had to stay to cook her food. That seemed to work for her. Seriously, you'd think she was 15. Just wait till you see my "Not Me Monday" post coming up. The girl can crack me up.

I am okay. Well, that's probably exaggerating. My house is a disaster. You know what that means. Messy minds, and accepting where you are and most of all that God is right there beside you, around you and in everything. Tomorrow is 11 months. Tonight is 11 months since I heard the news, with my doctor and a nurse I had barely met...I never want to hear that again. Those words have imprinted on my soul, but I will rise.

There's a peace I've come to know

Though my heart and flesh may fail

There's an anchor for my soul

I can say, It is well

Jesus has overcome

and the grave is overwhelmed

The victory is won

He is risen from the dead

And I will rise

When He calls my name

No more sorrow, no more pain

I will rise, on eagle's wings

Before my God fall on my knees,and rise...

I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near

when this darkness breaks to light

and the shadows disappear

and my faith shall be my eyes

Jesus has overcome

and the grave is overwhelmed

The victory is won

He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name

No more sorrow, no more pain

I will rise, on eagle's wings

Before my God fall on my knees,and rise...I will rise

And I hear the voice of many angels sing

Worthy is the Lamb!And I hear the cry of every longing heart

Worthy is the Lamb!

And I hear the voice of many angels sing

Worthy is the Lamb!

And I hear the cry of every longing heart

I will rise when He calls my name

No more sorrow, no more pain

I will rise, on eagle's wings

Before my God fall on my knees,and rise...I will rise....I will rise....
"I will Rise"

Chris Tomlin

And sometimes, when there are only tears, I have to sing this in my head. Knowing that because of Jesus, Harrison has risen, before I even knew it, he had heard the voices of angels singing. Being in grief and pregnant again is like two different worlds. Hope used to look like overwhelming joy to me. Hope is different now. Hope is a trust that is unimaginable faith. Faith that sometimes wavers, because I just need to protect my heart. Hope is online shopping for baby things, but having to leave them in the shopping cart waiting for a baby cry before purchasing. And then Hope rears her beautiful head when I am lying in bed with Gayn and he says "I bet there are not a lot of kids that have four kids in their family." Hope knows when I need to hear a five year old count his siblings that live here on earth and in Heaven. Hope lives.

Why are you downcast, O my soul?

Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God,

for I will yet praise Him,

my Savior and my God.

Psalm 43:5

Love,

Jenn

Just being real

I have to use this blog to be real and honest, because really what else could I do? Things are pretty rough for me emotionally. I make it through the days okay, but nights are...a lot more trying. Let me kinda walk through what I am doing to ensure that this baby is born here on earth first.

I am doing kick counts three times a day, so for 30 minutes after every meal, I lay down on my left side and count how many times there is movement. Dr. J and I have decided to count up to 25 kicks and then I write down the amount of time it took to get there. She says although we are doing a lot more medically, this chart will be the best measure of whether this baby is in trouble. If she slows to 10 kicks in the amount of time that she usually kicks 25, then I should head in.

I am testing my blood sugar 4 times a day, which is going well right now. I get a little low at night, so we are increasing my snack at night. The problem with that is, I test right at 110-118 after my dinner, so I have been trying to watch my carbs, but then they drop way low at night. I guess I can just move it to a midnight snack!

Once I am able to get to sleep at night, it doesn't always last real long. Sometimes I can get in three hours, sometimes five. Then I have a bit of an emotional letdown. The thing is, I was right here last year, only I was excited and happy. Now, I miss Harrison, have overwhelming emotions of remembrance and grieve not only for him, but for all the things I am not doing for his sister. As hard as I try, I can't get excited over her.

I feel bad that I get a bit upset when people who don't know me, act all excited and want me to tell them when she is due and then ask Gavyn and Emi if they are excited. Gavyn and Emi know that not every baby is born to this earth and quite frankly, we will believe it when she cries. So these poor people who are just politely inquiring, probably think we are crazy when we shrug. Occasionally I politely smile...ya know, just like an international visitor who doesn't speak English.

As for the medical side of things, August 10 will start my bi-weekly appointments. We will do non-stress tests on Mondays and biophysical profiles on Thursdays. We will continue this until October 1 and then we will arrange for an aminio and hopefully, inducement. Dr. B. and I have really discussed inducement at 37 weeks. It seems like there has been all this research about weeks 37-39 being very important to prevent learning disabilities, but we all feel that the risk is to high to wait any longer than 37 weeks. So that is that. 9 weeks and 2 days to go.

I have also been asked to give input to the hospital to help them better serve the needs of parents who lose a child. I started putting together a list, I just want it to come across in a loving manner. Please let me know if there is something that you think I should make sure to talk about.

Okay, Gavyn and Emi just helped themselves to treats...15 minutes before dinner, so I better finish up!

Love,
Jenn

A weekend of fun... and a few not me's!

Trips for our family are always a bit of an adventure. There are last minute "guys" that need to be thrown in the truck and a gas tank that needs to be completely full and we shall absolutely forbid a trip without a bag of snacks and fresh sodas from the gas station. Lest I say, usually an hour has surpassed before we truly hit the road. So, with this weekend being no exception, we arrived at my sisters promptly an hour and a half later than I had planned. It was a good weekend though and the kids had a great time just hanging out together. Gavyn and his cousin Ainsley are practically inseparable. Although it was too cold to go swimming, it was a great day for the park.

So when we left my sister's house, I said to her "May the ride home be much quicker." Of course, the Lord knew it wouldn't be! It was however, a bit more prayer filled. Two hours into it, our tire blew out on the interstate and it turns out AAA can be a bit frustrating. After two more hours passed, we were able to make our way back on the road. I thank God for patient kids, a great driver of a dad, cool weather, the guy that came quickly once we got the correct AAA call center and so much more. So six and one half hours later, we arrived thankfully home! (It's a four hour trip!)

Now, it's been one of those weeks where I must unload my conscience. Here are a few of my NOT ME! moments:

*I was not so happy when I failed my glucose tolerance test. I did not practically thank the nurse for my poor test results thinking how this pregnancy resembled that of Gavyn and Emilia's (I had gestational diabetes) and less like Harrison's (I did not)

*My girlfriend did not know I would feel this way and congratulate me on my poor sugar levels. That did not make me love her even more.

*I did not have to go potty really bad after an hour and a half into the trip home from my sister's, and think to myself I can hold it another hour before we stop. I did not think as our tire practically exploded "Where am I going to go potty now?" I did not think seriously about using one of Emi's diapers and then see the AAA guy pull up beside us.

*When a brief storm hit and knocked out the electricity for a few minutes, Gavyn did not tell me the batteries in the house needed to be replaced. Five year olds do not think everything runs on batteries.

*I did not decide to "take the day off" and make sleeping bags for Gavyn's little McDonalds Ty critters instead of cleaning.

And finally...

*Emi does not sneak upstairs and put pull ups on because she is too lazy to use the potty. When I told her to change back into her panties, she did not tell me "Stop throwing a fit. I'm getting my panties." She is not only 2.

Love,

Jenn

My Best Friend

Six years ago today I married my very best friend. We have grown, learned and loved way more than I could have ever imagined. I am so thankful that the path God led me on included Brian.

I love you Brian!

Jenn

Playing Ketch-up

Oh, I know how can I use that as my title? Well if you know this family, you know that which brand you buy matters a lot, so as I was writing the title correctly (catch-up, not ketch-up) I had to change the spelling. Brian works for the company that produces Hunts, NOT that other brand...so anytime I hear ketch-up, this is were my mind goes. (I think my non-pregnant mind concentrates better then this!)

Just wanted to let you know what is going on in our lives. We have really tried to enjoy more of summer and less of everything else. Gavyn has only had a sprinkling of play dates and we have all really enjoyed having everyone here. The company that Brian works for has a summer hours plan that gives all the employees half days on Friday, which has given us even more family time. We've actually gotten quite a bit done on these days. (Usually, they have been less productive then any other day of the week!)

Emi is just about completely potty trained. I have started entrusting her out of the house with panties on. She has done an excellent job. She also announced last week that she would no longer be sleeping in her crib and has been doing an amazing job in her big girl bed!

Unfortunately, this sudden move to complete independence left us with a crib to place...I wish I could say the decision was easy. We really debated what to do. It seemed silly to take it apart and put it in the basement, but setting up the room we have called Harrison's also seemed out of place. We ended up putting the crib in our sitting room off our bedroom. I am not setting the room up as a nursery yet, but the crib is located in there and I hope that at some point I feel that we can prepare our house for a baby. I may have to bring our little girl home before this happens though. I also have to give myself some slack and realize that this is okay and quite frankly a bit natural for me. (You know, embrace the new normal kind of thing.)

Gavyn has been a huge helper this summer. He plays extremely well with Emi and has more patience than either Brian or I. He still creates arts and craft activities in mind numbing frequency, but he does a good job picking up, so I can't complain. He also likes setting up businesses and selling things. The other day he wanted to go buy a bunch of toys and sell them to his friends...always my entrepreneur.

Baby girl is doing well. She is right on target for her size. We start our weekly appointments tomorrow. We will rotate every other week between Dr. Jones and our high risk OB, Dr. Bonebrake. Our plan at this time is to make it to 37 weeks and do an amnio, then if that is good, we will induce. I think 12 more weeks is seriously all I can handle, yet I desperately want to make it there. I talk a lot to God about these desires of mine. I know he hears me...I just want him to listen and do what I say! Sometimes it is hard to sit back and let Him be the Father.

I am going to leave you with some pictures of our summertime activities...

Wow! Am I ever growing!

Swim time!

Gavyn and Daddy on the Skyfari at the zoo.

"They've got the whole world..."

Relaxation time.

Love,
Jenn