Tonight I just want to think about my time with Harrison. To remember every moment.
Harrison was the baby we wished for. Gavyn, Emilia, and our third pregnancy were amazing, sweet pregancies, but were a bit more surprising. Harrison was six pregnancy tests later. (Okay, so I have a hard time waiting...you can take them 5 days earlier now. Sometimes I took them 7 days earlier!) We were so excited. I went to see Dr. Jones at 6 weeks and we saw Harrison for the first time then. Just a peanut!
At nine weeks, I told my friend Steph, on the way to the Keith Urban Concert. I was nervous and excited at the same time. She was one of the very few I had shared my miscarriage with and I wanted this to be so different. We had shared our pregnancies with Gavyn and her daughter, their births are only 8 days apart. I wanted to recall those times, as I journeyed through this pregnancy.
I was 10 weeks pregnant when Gavyn asked me if I had a baby in my tummy.
At 13 weeks, March 31, we had an ultrascreen of Harrison. We went to a geneticist first and then had a high resolution ultrasound. We were given a clear bill of health for Harrison.
April 1st, I announced at Church Council that we were expecting. There was clapping. I began to imagine how I would handle nursing at the meetings.
At 16 weeks, I felt Harrison move.
On May 16 at 8:30 in the morning, Brian, Gavyn and I found out Harrison was indeed a boy. Gavyn had been telling us for weeks this was true, but it was confirmed. We named him Harrison on the spot, even though Gavyn was leaning towards "Ace."
This summer was a wealth of memories. Gavyn believed that my belly button was a direct link of communication to Harrison. He would lift my shirt continuely to speak with his brother. We would lie in his bed and Gavyn would wait for Harrison to wake up and kick him. We would laugh together about what Harrison was saying to him. (And we made little voices to "speak" for Harrison.) We read goofy poems about babies and talked about what it would be like to have Harrison. Gavyn and I picked out fall clothes for the two of them. We ordered matching outfits for the two boys. Gavyn prayed every night, thanking God for a "baby girl, a baby boy and a baby lion." Emilia our girl, Harrison our boy and well, Brian and I weren't sure how Wilbur, Gavyn's blue lion, was going to have a baby...
Brian and I would sit in the evenings and feel for Harrison's little kicks and some that weren't so little. Brian would laugh at the ones that caused my whole belly to move. We would go to bed with Brian's hand on my left hip, Harrison always had the hiccups.
Harrison liked for me to sleep on my right side. He slept during the day, kept me up at night and caused only my left leg to swell. I never had gestational diabetes. Harrison was in the 50th percentile when we saw him on an ultra sound August 14th. Dr. Jones and I joked about how "normal" this pregnancy was.
Preschool began September 3, and Emilia and I began our mad dash to accomplish errands before Harrison's birth. I knew once he was born, I would no longer want to go out with all three children. We purchased pacifiers, diapers, another diaper trash can (one that could use regular trash bags...so I could be as "green" as possible using recycled plastic bags.)
Brian and finally moved the basinett up, and began moving things around in our room. We prepared to borrow furniture from good friends. We were planning for that to happen September 20.
During the sermon, September 14, I had this overwhelming feeling of greatfulness. My feet had swelled over my shoes, but I was pregnant and I thanked God for that. I swore to quit complaining about my miserableness that comes along with that last month of pregnancy. Then, I nearly laughed out loud and told God that I would probably just cut back on my complaining and telling Him, He probably knew that when I had sworn not to complain.
That day was tough. It had been a year since we found out our third pregancy was not going well. I needed to get through the week. We were invited to a balloon launch on September 21, then I would start washing Harrison's new clothes on that Monday. I cried that night, Harrison hadn't moved much. He pushed back when I pushed on his foot. I was so relieved. We went to bed. Brian and discussed how Harrison was bigger, maybe he was running out of room. He had slowed down over the last couple of weeks.
Monday was busy. We had preschool and one of Gavyn's new friends was coming for a playdate in the afternoon. Emi and I cleaned, picked up Gavyn; Tyler came over at one with his mom. Debbie and I sat on the back deck talking about pregnancy. The kids and I met Brian at 6 for soccer, we had the kids in bed at 8. I tried to lay still and feel Harrison for two hours. By 10, I needed to hear his heartbeat and apologized for waking my doctor. I drove myself to the hospital, telling Brian I was overreacting. I never panicked when two nurses couldn't find a heartbeat. I couldn't believe how my heart would break when Dr. Jones told me. I held my belly wanting there to be a different answer. Pleading with God to bring Harrison back. Knowing the Lord was already holding him.
I have memories. I have so much, but right now, right here, I miss this enormous piece of my heart. I want him back. I feel him in my arms and I want him back.
Lord, give Harrison a kiss tonight from his mommy. Kiss him on the forehead, like I long to. Jenn
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