This is the Miracle of Love

How am I to get through this? All I can think about is how I want to paint the nursery...where to put the baby swing in the family room...how I should be tired because I'm up every night to nurse. I'm so disappointed. These thoughts pop into my head at the oddest times.

I'm tired of hearing well meaning, but definitely the wrong things, being said to me. The next person that asks if we are going to "try" again, I will not be giving the pat answer "We can't imagine at this time." I will be stating the truth...I am mourning my son, Harrison. No one could ever replace him, nor would we try to. We've done more than tried. I've given birth to three amazing children. Saying less then this seems, now, a sacrifice to my own self.

Now, on the lighter side of this, I have decided against the matching t-shirt and sign for my front yard. Ya know, the one in light blue and chocolate colored script...I've thought about it.

Yesterday, Gavyn said,

"I was thinking...maybe Harrison was too special for us and that's why he had to go to God."

"You're right Gavyn. Harrison was soo special."

"Yea, but Emi (he shrugs his shoulders while saying this) is not too special, so she got to be with us..."

Okay, if you know Emi, she is a bit...well...demanding. (She'll sock us later when she learns to read.)

And Emi...she misses Harrison too. We have to tell her how Harrison will not be with us here on earth. It breaks my heart every time she asks if he is still in my tummy. She said tonight at the dinner table, "I want to hold Harrison in my room." Our kids are so blessed to love their rooms, of course she wanted to hold him in her room. I close my eyes and I can see this.

Disappointment is hard. I know God is here, but I know He could have changed things. It is extremely difficult to understand why He didn't. Someday, I will know. Accepting that He will not whisper that answer in my ear is so, again, disappointing.

Lord,
Just sit with me tonight.
Show me how to give you glory.

Jenn