There are a hundred things that went through my mind today. Many of them thoughts of what I should be doing with Harrison. Feeling so lost in a world so great. I was touched after church by a mom that told me I shouldn't feel pressured to get over this grieving, I chuckled (completely inappropriately) and told her that with all these holidays, that's exactly how I do feel. Then she shared her story of loss, another woman who has children that I counted by the faces I saw, not the faces God sees.
I thought about the number of months I have been married, 64 months; the number of months I have been pregnant, 29 months; the number of months I have breastfed, 39 months...have you done the math? There has never, in all my married life, been a time when my body has not supported a child. Until now.
I thought about Weight Watchers. How I get way less points since I am not breastfeeding. How I just used most of my weekly allowance eating Taco Johns...
I thought about the sweaters that my niece and Harrison should be wearing. You know, I would have purchased them to match. Kamryn is just 3 months older than Harrison. They would have looked so cute.
I thought about how I haven't made my bed in two months. That used to be important.
I thought about Harrison's room...what will become of it?
I thought about all of us mommies who lost a child this year. How we have to go through the next month wishing our babies could be with us as we celebrate the birth of Christ.
Mostly, I thought about Kayleigh. Today was my friend, Kayleigh's due date. She lost her precious little girl at 33 weeks due to a cord problem. I am praying for her today, all day, continually. I am blessed to have met her at grief support, but I wish it could have been at a playgym...me bouncing Harrison, while she snuggled Harley. I wish...
I am so sorry Kayleigh.
Jenn
ps. Just to clarify my math, Gavyn was born 9 months and 2 days after our wedding and I have nursed and been pregnant at the same time.
Park City Utah
4 years ago
3 comments:
So many thoughts, overwhelming doesn't even begin to describe it. It looks like the sun wants to shine today, I hope it brings a little warmth to your body and soul. Love you!
Oh Jenn! I am praying for you and your friend. Its not fair that you lost your Harrison...its not fair that tragedy happens to such good people. Take all the time you need to grieve. It may be a year, it may be for the rest of your life...there is no right answer. God bless you and I am praying for you down here. I hope Harrison will visit you in your dreams and that you get to kiss and squeeze him again.
Love,
Mrs B
Grief is not something you should get over; it's a lifetime process. One day down the road the grief will be more like a road you are use to traveling on that has both valleys of darkness and mountaintops of sunshine.
My only prayer for you right now is that when you are down in the valley you know that your friends are here for you and cheering you on. We are only hoping for you to have sunshine filled days and moments.
Having lost a baby the week of Christmas I know a little what is like to walk around wondering how people can be so jolly when you feel so sad. Know that it's ok. Take it one day at a time. Go through the motions is you must knowing that we are wishing right along with you that Harrison was taking his first trip to see Santa and celebrate his first Christmas.
Love Ya.
Post a Comment