Two months ago, I was holding Harrison for the first and last time. I was so blessed to have him. Two months, four hours, twenty-three minutes ago, I gave birth for the third time. I want to reverse time and hold him again. If only it were that easy.
I can replay that night over and over again in my head, still I can not find a loop hole with which I could jump through and change things. I know God knows our days before we are born...but why couldn't I have held him longer? Why Me? Was there a moment that my faith altered? Did God know this was my path to be tread? When was this decision made for me? Why on THE anniversary of last years miscarriage? Can I have a promise that September 14-22 will be a little bit easier the rest of my life? Could God make me this promise? Brian proposed to me on the 21st...will I ever get to celebrate that?
I know I can ask Him all these questions. I know He can handle it. I also know that He is hurt. He created me in His image and if I hurt, so does He.
Sometimes, it is hard to remember that God feels. I get caught up in the image of Him as the decision maker and forget that He feels.
And I wonder, when God gave us Jesus, did He know how how Jesus would suffer for us? Was there ever a moment when He wanted to give us an easier answer than the death of His son? I don't believe that God can turn His back on us, when we call out to Him. He couldn't have turned His back on Jesus, His son. Your will, not mine... He heard those words...and yet...
I want it all back. I want three children on earth. I want to hold all of them. I want to hear their squabbles, I want to decide who to tend to first. I want the stress of three children age four and under. I want everyone to live a long healthy life. I don't want to be up at night praying for mommies that have lost their babies too.
What I want is not going to happen. I know that. Living in the could haves will not get me anywhere. It's comfortable though, right now. Moving out of this pain seems unreasonable. My arms hurt to hold Harrison. Every day is one more day without him, but one more day closer to him too. One more day I thank God for even the little, tiny moments with those I love.
Jenn
Park City Utah
4 years ago
4 comments:
We went to church this morning. We have been taking Ainsley to Sunday school and going to church while she is in school. But this morning she said she wanted to go to Sunday school and church. So this is what we did. When we sat down in church she climbed up on my lap and sadly said. Where is God? I can't see him. I explained to her again like we often do that we can't see him we just have to have faith that he is always there. She replied sadly that she thought in Church we could see him and she wanted to see him because he is holding Harrison and she missed Harrison. We discussed how we all wished we could see Harrison. And that she was right in knowing that God is holding Harrison.
Your family have been in our hearts and prayers all day. I wish I could be there to give you all a hug. Give a hug to eachother from us.
How can it be that 2 months have passed, it still doesn't seem real. Will it ever? I think of you so many times as we sit in church together. I imagine what your face looks like as some of the words in songs, sermons, or passing comments that I hear seem to much to bear for me, but it must be so much more for you. Today, I kept thinking of you and Kim. Why did this happen to my friends, people who have so much love to share and deserved to share that with children God allowed them to bear. I know He can handle to questions, and Lord knows I have asked them. I pray that the day will come when your questions are fewer and we can all be content with the only answer we will get for now and that is that He is in control. My love always!
Dearest Jenn,
I have been wanting to write for the longest time, but did not know what to say - - I love you and hold you and your family in my thoughts and prayers each and every day. You are an AMAZING woman and an inspiration to me - -I hold my family closer each day (if possible), give thanks to Him for them even more, and keep what's important and matters most closest to my heart and on my mind first and foremost! I heard a song, "Hold On," by 33 Miles the other day and thought of you. It's like your post said . . . God knows and feels your pain. I wish you knew the answers to all your whys - - it's just not fair! Harrison is your precious and special angel - - he's beautiful! May God "hold" you and your family tightly in His arms.
There is nothing I can say. All I can do is grieve with you and pray for you. Although I don't know your pain first hand, I read your words with tears streaming down my face and heaviness in my heart. May God give you sufficient grace every moment you feel week. God bless you and yours.
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