More difficult then I could have imagined.

I am in a difficult place right now. A place that I am left, most of the time, feeling discouraged and way too overwhelmed. I have never been at this place before...and there aren't too many that I know who have been here before me. I am pregnant, but I am not innocent. There was no definitive reason for Harrison's death. He was so perfect. So when Gavyn asks me "Will this baby sister live here on earth?" I am unsure of what that answer is. I have to tell him the truth...only God knows, but we are all praying that she will. He asks if it is a pattern two babies here on earth and then two babies born into heaven...I say, I hope not and that there is no reason to think that would happen. He is not scared or frightened...death is none of those things to him. In the last eight months, he has lost his brother, his cat and his great-grandma, and so have I. My faith is not as trusting as his though, which is excruciating. Faith has always been my strong point. Lately, it is my struggle.

In this last year, death has been too present. Life has been too short. Sometimes it feels okay that life is short, because I really want to see Harrison and I comfort myself knowing that this life is short...eternity will be exactly that...forever with Harrison. Other times, I just want Gavyn and Emi to stay this young and I want to enjoy every little moment, because I know this will not last. At other times, I feel overwhelmed by their needs and the needs of my family, because I just want to curl up in a ball and pray fervently that this baby growing in my tummy will live. But then someone needs a glass of milk, or the Star Wars legos won't fit together right and I am snapped back into reality.

The reality is I have four children. Whether they are here on earth or in heaven, they are a lot of responsibility. Although I love each of them, it can be a lot, especially when you know the truth is that only God knows...and I really want to know, it feels like I need to know. Which is why I have a doppler by my bedside, at my disposal any time. It is also why I no longer apologize when I call the doctors' office whenever something doesn't feel right, I am needy and I acknowledge that. So when I pray to God for direct desires and I don't thank Him for all the beauty I am already surrounded by, I no longer have guilt on that either. Although I try to be more grateful, He knows me inside and out. He knows my desires and my blessings without me actually having to say them.



I want to be able to buy things pink, without wondering if she will ever get to wear them, I want to be excited about this baby, but most of the time, it is too hard. I just buried my baby and I still long to hear him cry. I weep at the thought I will only see his sweet face in pictures. It is so sad knowing that the other pictures will be changed out, but Harrison's sweet little face will never grow up, at least not here on earth. The thought of doing all this again is unbelievably hard. Yet, here I am. I will be the Lord's servant, even when it seems too much.

Now if we are children , then we are heirs-heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if we indeed share in his sufferings in order that we may share in his glory. Romans 8:17

His glory is worth it!

Love,

Jenn