Yesterday I packed up these five boxes of maternity clothes. Today, I rummage through them trying to find something to wear, unable to unpack them, officially, into my closet. Something about the actual unpacking seems so...permanent. It's a hope that lays somewhere deep in my soul that this baby that I am carrying right now, will live on this earth. But my heart and mind know the truth. The truth that not all babies live here. That some have the privilege of going straight to Heaven. I say privilege with the knowledge that they leave their mommies wanting a far different outcome.
So I keep pillaging through five boxes of clothing every day, rifling through memories of a year ago and being so naive. Wishing that my mind didn't know the things it does. Hoping that somehow, I will let my heart in on this secret that I am artfully keeping from it. Knowing that one of these days, my heart will catch my mind looking in the mirror at this rapidly growing belly. Realizing that when the day arrives, I should be sure to have plenty of tissues.
This baby will never be Harrison. He is my third child born on this earth, this is my fourth and I will sing the names of all of my children while standing in the reign of God's love and grace.
Love,
Jenn
Park City Utah
4 years ago
3 comments:
Jenn, remember to take it day by day. This baby is no replacement of Harrison, so allow the newest babe find a special place in your heart and mind, a place just reserved for him/her. Harrison will never be forgoten, nor the life lessons he has taught so many.
Loving you from my couch at 2 am, snuggling with a fresh new example of God's steadfast love.
Kim
Jenn-
I am so sorry for your loss.....I can't say that I understand how you feel...but what I can say is that I am praying for you sweet friend....and my heart is heavy for you...but you are right...sweet harrison is so happy right now....
Those five boxes also represent the future. This new baby who will be loved as much as Harrison and Gavyn and Emi. This baby who is waiting to show us his/her face this fall.
No one expects you to be without fear at this time. Just trust God with the details and try to enjoy the process as much as possible.
Before you know it you'll be holding a little baby in your arms and packing up those boxes again.
Trust me; time flies.
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