I cut my toenails. I know this sounds absurd. A couple of months ago, I gave up trying to reach my feet and decided to go have a pedicure. Weeks ago, as I contemplated the polish color, I wondered if my polish would last until delivery. It did. It wasn't supposed to. This is just one of the odd thoughts that run through my head.
I am reading a book written by a mom who also delivered a baby straight into heaven. It helps, sort of, but there are no chapters about how you think weird, irrational thoughts. My eyes don't see the way they used to, and when other people are busy in their own lives, or when every thing seems "normal" around me, I want to scream "My baby just died." Not because I want their sympathy, but because nothing in me seems at all normal. No one talks about this.
Then I look at my children. I never knew how miraculous they were. I see God in them. I hear His voice. Emi and I picked up Harrison's thank you's today. When we got to the truck, Emilia put her sweet little arms around me and hugged me so tight. I felt Him then. I see His love everywhere.
Jenn
Park City Utah
4 years ago
2 comments:
Isn't it amazing how our children know exactly when we need their little arms to give us those great big hugs? I pray that those moments with Gavyn and Emi will give you strength. And please know that there are lots of other hugs going out to you and Brian and the kids. We love you and are praying for you.
Still here praying for you, thinking of you, and grieving with you. You're not alone, and although the majority of us cannot begin to comprehend what you're feeling or going through, I will be one of the first ones to tell you that you are entitled to feel however you feel. Your random thoughts are a testimony to the wonderful and beautiful mother you are. You loved Harrison from the very first moment you suspected you were pregnant...You were excited to meet him and anticipated his arrival. What a blessed child to have you for a mom! Although the world seems to go on while your world might seem to stand still, remember that we remember. We remember Harrison. We remember that you're in pain. And we remember that life is not the same for you. Now, please remember that we are here for you...to listen...to talk...to cry...whatever you need.
I may not be the best at coming up with things to say, but I do care and I do love you guys.
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